By Matt Schueler, Presidents Day, February 15th, 2010

Top Drawer of Hank's Dresser

Presidents Day for me did not involve the honoring of our forefathers as perhaps it should have. For some reason it did involve a bit of spring cleaning despite the 6 more weeks of winter promised by Punxsutawney Phil. Maybe spring cleaning is not completely accurate since it also involved putting some Christmas decorations away at long last. I had another special project for Monday in Joe’s room. For a while we have been talking about putting a desk in his room so he has a comfortable place to study. Simple perhaps except that Joe had a roommate for almost 8 years and his room as you might expect, was more Hank’s than Joe’s. For sure, we had painted it and decorated it for Joe since Hank died. But the room still carries the memories of his older brother, the aura of his personality, the birthplace of his nightly dreams. And it still holds his dresser.

The dresser we bought for Hank when Anna took over his crib and forced him into a big boy bed. “Forced” may not be accurate since he could no longer be contained by its bars or rails and did not seem overly attached to it. We bought not just one single bed with a trundle for Hank, but two. Susan was sure we would need the extra bed for other children and the young guests we would most certainly be hosting over the years. As usual, she bought good solid furniture not the ” less expensive” kind I probably favored. You want furniture to last she said, something the kids can use for the next 15 years and take someday for their own kids. Seemed a long way off but I would not win that debate. Though we bought two beds we shortsightedly only bought one dresser. I guess that was reasonable at the time given that we did not know Joe would be coming down the pike.

Hank’s dresser was solid. With rounded edges and smooth texture. Strong, masculine, with drawers that opened easily. And it became as dressers do, a repository of a young boy’s possessions. Not just underwear and socks, and shorts and t-shirts. But also baseball cards, baseballs, ticket stubs from sporting events, momentoes of firsts, programs and photographs chroniclling life’s new experiences. Sure there was junk too, enough over the years that we would clean it out together on occasion.

But today I had to move it. It was not particularly big and I did not need to move it very far. I moved it into the closet Hank and Joe shared, pushing aside clothes and the “stuff” that accumulates inside of a small little area that thankfully has a door that keeps it inside. The dresser still has much of his clothes, the t-shirts that bear reminders of the places we visited or events attended, the workout shorts and uniform tops and bottoms from St Mary’s, St Pat’s and the Bulldogs.

And of course his top dresser drawer, the special drawer, that grew as he grew, filled now with pictures of his friends, old cell phones, sprays and hairbrushs, signs of the adolescence that for Hank was all too fleeting.

More poignantly and of more recent vintage still, were the prayer cards people sent during his bone marrow transplant, the cards containing well wishes, the medals of Saints blessed by priests to watch over and heal him. He kept those too, reminders of the love that supported him and us when he was sick. He did not know we would need them again so soon.

In the top drawer also was his 2007 St Mary’s class picture. The youthful faces with their caps and gowns, so full of hope and pride as they stood at long last at the top of the heap at the school that was their second home for the last 9 years. Hank was in that picture too though the puffy cheeks and bald head gave away his state of being. But not his smile nor the twinkle in his eyes, still full of confidence and mischief despite the uncertain journey he was soon to embark on in Milwaukee, his 14th birthday, just a few short weeks after his picture was taken.

And so it was on Presidents Day, February 15, 2010 that I moved his dresser to make room for a desk for Joe. The dresser of Hank’s youth, full of hope and life now tucked safely away into a darkened closet….

It was the heaviest thing I have ever moved.

Matt